What happens when we break codependent relationships?

What is codependency and a codependent relationship?

To be codependent is to be in the emotional and sometimes physical need of someone in your life. Codependent relationships get formed when one person needs the other to soothe their emotional needs. These relationships can not only be romantic but include friendships and family. People in codependent relationships feel like they need the other person to survive and they constantly ignore their needs and want to please the other person, in fear that they might leave.

This is why codependency generally forms in trauma environments. In which childhood wounds of rejection and abandonment are formed which can result in people-pleasing and ultimately in codependency. There are what I consider two types of codependent relationships.

Two types of codependent relationships

The first one is where one person needs one partner and the other partner tends to have narcissistic tendencies. These types of people tend to often attract each other and create a codependent relationship in which there is love but rejection as well.

The second type of codependent relationship is that both people need each other almost equally. This might seem like a healthy and close relationship but as time goes by it can’t be sustained. In the second one, one side begins to realize that they can be independent, conflict starts to break off.

Codependency can often make people feel like they are not enough. This feeling then causes a habit of people-pleasing to feel enough for the other person. It makes you feel like you can’t emotionally sustain yourself and are fearful of being alone. Codependency includes a lot of habits like the following included in the “Codependent No-more” workbook:

-Feel as though you am a burden to others

-Life doesn’t feel real

-Feel blame toward yourself

-Feel drained by your relationship

-There is a feeling of guilt

-Feel fear of abandonment

-Feel the overwhelming need to control people and situations to keep from getting hurt

-.. among others

The process of getting rid of it?

At first, it is hard to recognize codependency as we just feel it as an immeasurable amount of love for the other person. But it is not healthy to love. You might first realize you are codependent in therapy where several behaviors in a relationship are analyzed until you come to the conclusion that the way your relationship works is not healthy. You might start realizing things that you shouldn’t be allowed.

The uncovering of childhood trauma is a big step towards healing codependency since it makes you realize where it started. You might start to question yourself on why you don’t feel like you are enough. Or on why you feel like you need someone else in order to live your life. The next step is to learn to set boundaries, this is when you start putting yourself and your needs above those of the other person.

What happens to those relationships?

As you start healing codependency, you might feel like you start drifting away from that other person. Sometimes the only thing that was keeping you connected with them is that codependency. The other side of the relationship could start feeling abandoned and start showing an immeasurable amount of love that you were hoping for. Don’t worry it isn’t a step back, it is something you have to go through to realize your worth once more. It is important to recognize that healthy relationships are not necessarily close ones.

Sometimes relationships improve as you distance yourself a bit from some people. Relationships may not end but what does change are the unhealthy dynamics that are used to sustain the relationship which is replaced with new more lovable ones. Remember that we might be used to conflict as a form of love, that is why you shouldn’t panic when you stop experiencing conflict in these relationships.

Book recommendations:

Not all of these are centered on codependency, but they sure have helped me with things that come along with codependency.

-Codependent no more and its workbook by Melody Beattie

-Subtle art of not giving a fuck by Mark Mason

-The big leap by Gay Hendricks