how do we expand our growth edge by sitting with our discomfort?
As we grow in life, we see how things that we used to do before have become easier for us. We also start seeing how slowly we get used to our regular hardships. And they become less burdening for us.
This is how we observe the uncomfortable and move through it in life, by living it.
These are the things that we will talk about:
- Looking at our discomfort
- The benefits of uncomfortableness
- Learning to be uncomfortable
Looking at our discomfort
Feeling discomfort sometimes is neither good nor bad. It just is. This is how my therapist has invited me to look at certain situations in life by observing. It’s hard to not assign labels to everything and try to solve and understand everything at hand. Sometimes we just have to observe and feel for a moment, especially in situations that are out of our control. And by doing this, we prevent our world from falling apart constantly every time we feel this way.
It is about slowing down and taking care of the way the mind works, but taking care of it without judgment.
The situations that I am talking about are neutral. They are not situations in which it is crucial to find an escape for our health and well-being.
They are situations like these:
You are at the birthday party of one of your best friends who is very social and you are feeling like you should also be more social. This leaves you feeling uncomfortable where you are and you want to leave the party. At the same time, you want to be there for your friend.
You can either follow the advice that everyone gives to “put yourself and what you feel first” and leave, which will later leave you feeling guilty. Or you can acknowledge the emotions that you are having and, without looking deep into them, sit with that feeling of discomfort, grounding and testing that edge.
Another situation like this could be the death of a loved one. We are in an uncomfortable position, for our emotions especially. We don’t want to feel that grief, so sometimes we try to escape those feelings, with distractions, with things that do us harm or even by filling up our schedule to avoid feeling anything.
In the words of Lorelai Gilmore, “You have to wallow.” Meaning that you have to sit through that uncomfortable feeling and find the edge where you allow that discomfort in and explore it.
When is feeling discomfort not good:
- When your intuition is telling you otherwise.
- When you are in danger
- When people are harming you emotionally and disrespecting your boundaries.
Now that it is clear what discomfort is about, let’s move to the benefits of the uncomfortable.
The benefits of the uncomfortable
It is common knowledge that reaching our goals isn’t easy. It takes hard work. And what comes up often with that hard work? Feelings of discomfort.
To reach the goals we have to seek our edge of discomfort. This doesn’t mean burning ourselves out, but yes, get out of our comfort zones.
This way, we can explore higher levels of discomfort as we reach our goals.
This is like the idea of upgraded problems, which you can read more about HERE.
For example:
Today you are uncomfortable in a presentation that you have to give to your boss.
Tomorrow, you might be uncomfortable presenting a start-up idea to investors in front of all of their employees.
Look at how one of these seems more uncomfortable than the other. But as we allow the discomfort in we can step into higher levels that allow us to get where we want.
The best part is that then the first step when done in that future no longer feels that uncomfortable.
Learning to be uncomfortable
To sit with this discomfort, the first step is to actually want to sit with it.
Maybe part of learning how to be uncomfortable is feeling any sign of discomfort in the first place, and wanting that discomfort is already uncomfortable for you.
Start there.
When you choose to sit with discomfort, choose just that. To sit with it, don’t try to understand it or solve it, as this is that part of you trying to escape discomfort.
Sitting with discomfort is simple, but it can be very hard to do.
If you want to explore why you have such a hard time with the discomfort, you can answer these prompts which will make it slightly easier to deal with discomfort as you will understand it better.
- How did you feel as a child when your parents put you in a situation or place where you didn’t feel comfortable? What stories ran through your head? (my parents don’t love me, e.t.c)
- How have the feelings from those stories kept you from discomfort as an adult?
- What things have you missed from escaping from discomfort that you regret not experiencing?
- When was the last time that you experienced discomfort and had no option but to feel it?
- What do you feel is your discomfort edge now?
- What things will you be able to do that you have always dreamed of and dreaded at the same time when you expand that edge?
Coming back to the discussion. Let’s also talk about how expanding this discomfort edge is directly related to our comfort zone.
The more we allow this discomfort edge to grow, the more we can sit with the uncomfortable and therefore expand our comfort zone to do those great things that we want to do but are afraid of doing.
Let’s clarify something. You will never reach a point at which that discomfort will disappear, or that you can stop working at it.
It is like going to the gym: Even when you have reached your gym goals, you have to keep going to the gym to maintain that goal you have reached. You will still have to put in the physical and mental effort to take yourself there and actually stay active. You just eventually start expanding that threshold of discomfort so that it is a bit easier. Things you can’t control, like age, will work against you and you will have to expand that discomfort edge to fit the hardships that come.
This is my way of saying that hard effort is rewarded, but remember to always take care of those boundaries and not be too harsh on yourself.
