how accepting both sides of our duality lead to expansion?
For the past few weeks, we have been talking about black-and-white thinking and about how it affects us. We have also talked about finding the grey. The problem here is that we tend to confuse the duality of our beings with black-and-white thinking.
And the last thing that I want is for you to stop embracing the duality and being lost in limbo.
So what is the difference between duality and black-and-white thinking?
Duality is what we have in us, both sides of nature. The good and the evil, as a lot of people like to put it. While black-and-white thinking is about absolutes. Absolutes in the sense that when we have this mindset in us we look to only the extremes of things. Something is either good or bad. What duality tries to teach us is that things can be both things. So, in a way, it is the opposite of black-and-white thinking.
While the B&W mindset (yes, I have decided to shorten it for everyone’s sake) is limiting in nature, the core concept of duality is about expansiveness.
Black-and-white thinking keeps us on a rollercoaster of ups and downs. It keeps us tied to the emotional highs and lows. Extreme emotional highs and lows, if I might add. It is a mindset it is a way of behaviour.
Duality doesn’t describe our behaviour. It describes our being and our existence. Sometimes I wish the English language had what my native language has (it’s Spanish, by the way).
The verb “ser o estar” in English and the verb “to be” encompass both. “Ser” is more about the existence itself of “being yourself” and “you are a being.” For example, I am Carola = Yo soy ( ” ser”) Carola.
While “estar” is something that is added to your person. Something that isn’t who you are, but it is part of you at that moment. For example: I am mad = Yo estoy ( ” estar”) enojada.
The B & W mindset is like “estar” while duality is about “ser.”
Now how can duality help us to be more expansive?
If you read the blog post before this one, you would have come across the idea that as we set expectations in life, we limit them.
If you haven’t, this is that blog: How Setting Expectations On Life Limits Our Dreams?
We can come back to look at this idea of expectation as setting definitions and labels for things. We can’t label fire as deathly because it is also warmth. So when we set the expectation for something to be a side of its duality, we are limiting it.
If we set the expectation of fire to burn things down and we make that its definition, then we are not allowing the fire to also warm, cook, and create.
The same thing is for us. There can be this limiting misconception that duality just equals good and bad. In reality, duality covers every single aspect of ourselves. If you have ever read about Jung’s archetypes, you might know that there is a light and a shadow in every one of them.
If you haven’t, the core idea is that every concept is neutral, and that is because it has both things in it. In this case, I’m going to use the words positive and negative for lack of better words, but every being has both, but they are not to be seen as separate but as together.
We have an arrogant side inside of us, and we also have a humble side. Both sides can show in distinct moments when we need them.
Sometimes we see that other side of ourselves in other people, especially in the people we have conflicts with.
This is why duality is so expansive
Duality is expansive because it shows us where we have room to grow, to understand ourselves and to understand others. The expansiveness comes from the deep acceptance and observance of both sides of us, whether we can see them inside of us or reflected on other people.
A lot of our conflicts surge because we fight with parts of ourselves that are deeply buried. That could be for one reason or another, but shedding light in these areas can bring us crucial lessons that will unite us more with who we are.
As we unite ourselves more with who we are and we start understanding our motivations and our steps, we start seeing where we are heading. If we personally don’t like where we are heading, then we can look deeper into where we want to go and why. Then we can accordingly pivot with what we discover is best for us.
Our society is overly obsessed with labeling. This is not to invalidate, because labels can sometimes be very grounding and help people find their way and their community in this confusing world. But at a certain point, labels can become limiting and hateful.
Duality invites us to accept all parts of us, even the ones that don’t fit inside the label that we have assigned ourselves. This way we can view ourselves as something bigger, not to create grandiosity but to create an awareness of what surrounds us and of our impact and interaction with those around us.
Prompts
To look further into our duality, we have to ask ourselves some questions:
- Which aspects of other people do I judge and reject?
- How do these aspects show up in me?
- What emotions and preconceptions come up when I notice these aspects in myself?
- How can I further observe and acknowledge this aspect of me?
- What labels have I assigned to myself that are limiting?
As we create expansiveness with this concept of duality, remember to hold yourself. Don’t forget that learning is a hard process. Embracing ideas like this is hard. We don’t have to embrace the idea right now. We just have to observe it.
Who knows? A good laugh might come out of you when you figure out that the reason that you hate an aspect in someone so much is because you reject it in yourself (hard truths, my friend, hard truths). We are always in a process of learning and integration.
Mastering all of these things in 5 minutes won’t happen and everyone knows it won’t happen in 3 months either, so if you want to commit, commit to it (at the end of the day nothing bad can happen from getting to know yourself).
Uff talking about these things can be uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel like I could hear the pin dropping in my room when I write this (it can get intense sometimes).
On a lighter note, since learning all of this can be uncomfy, you could benefit from reading some of my writings on discomfort:
- How does discomfort make us want to fix every detail of our lives?
- How do we expand our growth edge by sitting with our discomfort?
or maybe this one
Don’t swallow all the information at once, though. Besos x.
