how to set yourself to conquer your fears to reach your goals?

It is still January, which means people are still talking about our goals… and so am I. The goal here is to keep the conversation throughout the year, though. That being said, I am taking a different approach for 2023 (if you are reading this in a future year, this still applies to you).

We have talked about habits, new beginnings and setting intentions, but for some people nothing is going to move unless they face their fears (me included).

The life we dream of, if looked at under a magnifying glass, has some aspects that we might be unknowingly afraid of or not willing to do.

Real life example:

I want to travel and backpack through the world at some point, but when offered wonderful travel opportunities, I say no because it might give me anxiety.

WHO am I kidding?

If this is you, with the same thing or with something else, stay for the ride.

We are exploring fear setting (or might I say fear fighting) vs goal setting. Which might just be the thing that is keeping you from getting there (wherever it is you want to get to).

Why do we desire things we are afraid of?

I don’t believe we exactly desire things that we are afraid of. It’s more like all complex things have small bits that we have to conquer.

Big dreams can require big moves and if they are far off from the life that we are currently living, then it will require a lifestyle change. And that comes with changing long formed habits, changing the way we think and facing the “not so great” parts of this “dream life” that we have in mind.

All of that can be scary.

There is another aspect in this. I also think that a part of us seeks dreams that will make us face things we need to learn and that we need to conquer in order to grow as a person, even if this happens subconsciously.

Our dreams come with things that we have to overcome to get there.

Fear conquering, fighting.. etc vs goal setting

So the normal new year format is stating the things that we want, that we desire.

Let’s say that you want a new house this year. You would put that in your cute glitterized list of things you want. Then maybe you went a step forward and wrote how are you going to get there.

In order to get the house you are changing jobs, or you are making a proposal to the bank in. Those are all facts and actions, but sometimes in our minds, things aren’t as simple as they seem.

Fellow over-thinkers, sometimes a task is not only a task but also has a whale size aquarium full of anxiety behind it. There is fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of overshadowing your sister’s engagement, etc.

A lot of things happen behind the curtains that we might know, but we don’t recognize.

That is what we are going to do right now.

The “how-to” for your fears

Step 1:

As I say, the most important step is to observe.

The goal here is to look at all the things that we have done in our past (or haven’t) but we’re mortified to do because of the different stories that we tell ourselves and because of the fears we have.

Make a list of 3 or 4 of the fears that come up in your life

Examples: fear of losing money, fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of living to the fullest.

*Side note: I think that it’s important to mention that these don’t have to be fears, but emotional and mental obstacles that we encounter in our lives.

In this list that you have made, I want you to explain the inner dialogue that often happens in your head when these fears come up.

This implies going deep into discussing when you think these fears originated in your life. This subject can be a difficult one to dive into as trauma can be involved, so if you require time, take it.

Discover the stories that are connected to these past fears.

Step 2:

Now is the time for the fun part, or in my head, the least scary one.

We are going to look into a few goals that we have this year and decide which ones we are going to be focusing on.

Yes, you heard me right, not all of them. Sometimes we forget we are not wonder women, and this does not mean that I am undermining your capability of accomplishing your goals, but I think an overload can be more anxiety-inducing than exciting ( at least for me) especially when we have other things going on in our life.

So choose 3 big goals you have or 5 small ones. Remember that big for you can be small for others, so you decide.

Write what you what to get from these goals, and how you want to feel.

I recommend checking my last post on re-examining strategies for the new year.

Step 3:

Now this is the scarier part, cause we are talking about fears. We are doing to the fear setting.

For each of the goals, write the fears that you believe will come up as you try to accomplish them. Out down to paper what are emotional misconceptions, stories and mental obstacles that show up. Notice that a few of the fears will be repeated a lot and might even show up for all the goals you have.

These are the ones that you will have to work on the most.

Look at these fears and think (again) what are the stories that you tell yourself about them?

(i.e. I fear success because I don’t feel like I deserve it. If I get a house bigger than my friends, maybe they will think I am pretentious…)

Pure honesty is necessary for this. The person who you trust the most has to be yourself. The first fear that you will have to conquer is admitting your fears to yourself.

Step 4:

The last step of the process is to set ourselves to overcome this.

We did fear setting, now we are doing fear fighting.

For each of the fears you found, write three actions that you will have to do that are related to that fear that you might not have done before.

This is exposure therapy that you will do throughout the year.

Keeping the same house example:

Fear setting- Three fears of getting a house

1. Scared of how people will look at me
2. Scared of spending money (cause it could be used for something else)
3. Fear of settling

Fear fighting- Action to be done to fight this fear

1. Will talk to my friends about my desire to get a big house and see that they support me
2. Making small purchases for the house. Journal about how a house is an investment.
3. Understanding that if I change my mind, I can rent the house, accepting that changing my mind is okay.

As shown, it doesn’t have to be things that you have to do but understandings and acceptance that you have to come to.

Coming to your goals can be a simple thing. To make it easy, we have to believe that it is easy and we have to fully trust that we can face the fears that come getting our desires. Impostor syndrome is a big reason for a lot of these fears. Feeling like we don’t deserve what we want.

If this is the case for you, make it one of your biggest things to conquer.

The shift from goals setting to fear fighting is going to get you a thousand steps closer to your goals. It is one thing to want something and another to put the effort into doing it.

You, my friend, are doing it.