How To Heal Your Relationship By Changing Your Beliefs?
What are your beliefs on relationships?
So as we could read in the last article, our beliefs are those ideas that we have of what “should” be happening or what other people should be doing. It shows up often in romantic relationships in ideas of what our partner should do for us. For example, they should be buying me flowers twice a month, they should be offering to not go to that party to stay with me, and stories like that that we tell ourselves. This obviously reflects on us negatively as we create three stories:
- We are not enough and that is what our partner is not fulfilling our dreamy expectations
- We ask for too much and in reality we don’t deserve that much attention
- Our partner is not doing enough and therefore not only are they not enough but we are not enough for them because “if they wanted to they would”
These stories are the ones we regularly come across when discussing expectations in relationships. Normally the first two are the problem and the third one is offered as a solution which is just as bad. I am here to offer a different point of view.
Why are changing beliefs and expectations important?
All those three stories that I showed are putting the definition of our worth outside of ourselves. It is hard to switch this mentality of course. Because at the bottom of your heart you will still believe that you need that and that that is the ultimate way to show love. But I believe love goes a step forward and it is more about the freedom to grow that we give each other.
“Changing those beliefs is to give yourself back the power of who you are.”
It is also giving you the power to break out of other people’s expectations of you and express yourself fully. We are big enough to be put in labeled boxes. We are meant to be multifaceted beings that are not only one thing or the other. So when you let go of the expectations of others you free yourself from them as well. You detach if you will.
And this doesn’t mean that you no longer care but that you are ready to put yourself first and switch that focus inward.
Some people will take it badly. We know that it’s normal that people get mad when you don’t care about their opinions of you. But in the end, you will feel so much freedom.
How can we come to changing our beliefs?
These practices of changing our beliefs are especially useful for people who are codependents and constantly need reassurance. Codependents normally have more stories in their heads of how the storyline should go. We normally just want people to stick to our script and freak out when they don’t.
Changing our beliefs is not a fast process it takes time and resilience: It is something that you have to regularly practice and implement in your life.
Let me show you the process I went through to change these beliefs:
1. Observe and write down
The first step is to observe the way you behave with your partner and especially pay attention to the actions or things that they say that trigger you. Anything that feels like it isn’t part of your ideal movie. Write them down and try to be concise.
For example,
I notice that when my partner says “I can’t talk on the phone right now” I get
triggered.
The story that I tell myself is: He is not making time to talk to me every day which means that I am not as important to him as I thought I was. Maybe he doesn’t really like me and he is just pretending to put in the effort. Men should always want to talk to their partners no matter what because they are what makes them the happiest.
2.Find the wound
Behind every story that we tell ourselves there is a reason why it exists. As mentioned in the previous blog sometimes these beliefs are created by society. For example, what we see in movies or false portrayals of relationships. Our beliefs are also created in our childhood especially with the relationship with our parents. To find out which is the wound you can follow a prompt like this.
To continue the example in #1:
Maybe I am seeking attention from men. In what ways did my mom or dad show up in my childhood? Oh, I just remembered that when my dad got mad at me he would give me the silent treatment for weeks. I think that when my partner doesn’t want to talk to me I go back to that childhood wound and I feel like I am a bad person therefore not enough to deserve explanations or attention.
3. Acknowledge and Heal
You have found the wound which in the example is the wound of rejection (you could also say abandonment). Once you know it it is time to dive deep into making our inner child feel safe when those moments happen again. I feel it is easier to show it continuing the example:
[Acknowledge the emotions you are feeling]. My partner couldn’t speak on the phone today which is making me feel enraged but I know anger is a secondary emotion. [Dig deeper]. What I am truly feeling is fear that my partner doesn’t like me anymore. [How old do you feel?] I feel like a little girl left alone in the darkness with no one to talk to and no one to explain to her what is going on. [Nourish the inner child]. *talking to yourself* Hey honey I notices you are scared, don’t worry I will never leave your side and I will always be available for you. Remember that I love you and that you can rely on me. That is all you need.
Step by step you will break your cycles of pain and grow out of needing others to prove your worth. You will find it inside yourself and be filled with love from within. So much that you will give it out as well without wondering if you are worthy enough to be loved back.
