how to embody your change and growth?

When we are growing, changing and, dare I say, evolving, we are going through a process in which we change our neural connections. We create new thought processes and we open up to new ideas and new versions of ourselves.

But, and this is a big “but.” More often than not, we find ourselves repeating old patterns, falling back into old habits, and reinforcing old ways of thinking.

And this is completely normal, whether or not we want to admit it, change is slow and change takes repetition.

Later on, I will remind you of the concept of knowing vs. feeling, which we can see why this process takes time.

Look, I understand the guilt that comes with doing that one thing that you promised yourself you would not do, whether that be playing the victim in an argument or leaving your socks on the ground.

It might feel like there is a mountain, a more internal kind of mountain, and that we have to climb past the peak at -35ºC which is at a 90º steep angle.

The socks really don’t want to be thrown in the ground, but the laundry basket just looks like it is 30km away. And while visually some of your patterns might look “easy” to overcome, they really feel like that mountain.

So how are we going to go about this internal fight? The first point is that I don’t want it to feel like a fight, you can feel grounded and safe moving through it.

Knowing vs. Feeling

The desperation that comes from falling back into old patterns and old routines comes from the “I know this already. Why am I doing it?” idea.

The part that is the hardest is that this same thought can also play in our minds while we are doing the thing that we have told ourselves not to do.

Your mind is going, “no, no, no, you know that this is not where we want to go, stop, stop STOOP.” And they you proceed to not stop and do the same thing once again.

Let’s stay with the example of playing the victim during an argument.

You know you are capable of creating a healthy conversation to solve said argument, but suddenly your body says frick it and your mouth says victim things (sorry for the lack of examples). Emotionally, you now are in the victim position wondering how did you even end up here and regretting every single thing that comes out of your mouth because it doesn’t agree with the new emotionally intelligent version of yourself that you are creating.

In this example, you know you shouldn’t be doing that and you know why. You have a deeper reason on why you don’t want to be doing it, but there is still a gap between the knowing and your actions.

This is where we regress. If you are past that point in which you have already repeated the pattern, to connect the dots, you have to finish climbing that mountain and take accountability for it.

Pause, deep breath in, deep breath out.

“Before we continue this argument, I want you to know that I am aware I am playing the victim, and I know it isn’t fair for either of us or our relationship. I will try my best to not fall into it again during this conversation.”

The truth is, this is how it’s going to go most of the times; you are going to repeat the pattern, but by taking accountability and responsibility, you are making sure that your brain learns.

Now, the difference between knowing and feeling.

When we know something, we have it in our minds, but when we feel it, it is in our bodies, present, and it influences our actions. It is deeper into who we are.

Feeling the change

Think of how you felt reading the accountability statement above.

Think of the pause and think of the feeling of matureness and awareness.

That is the feeling that you want to connect with your new habit and thought process, and you want to carry that feeling with you.

Finding such a feeling is difficult, and there might be a distinct feeling for each of the things that you are trying to change. It is all about believing it, and believing that it is part of who you are (more on that in a bit).

The knowledge that you have has to evoke a feeling of safety and calm within you. You have to feel that it is the right thing for you.

If the pattern that I want o break is leaving clothes on the floor but I always find myself doing it when in a hurry. I should feel the difference between my dirty floor and my clean floor. I need to feel in my body how important it is for me.

Choosing the embodiment

Since we are talking about feeling it within us, it is important to talk about embodying the version of us that would do these things.

Putting a persona on ourselves that actually does the things that we are supposed to do allows us to move easily out of our current mindsets and into a new one.

Going back to the victim pattern:

If I am playing the victim, I like to imagine my current self taking a step back and the mature, grown version of myself dealing with the argument. It is still me, but it is the version of me that has mastered the new thought process and that knows how to deal with arguments.

You need to stand in the version of yourself that would do differently. Acknowledge that they could do the thing that you are having a hard time with and allow yourself to become them.

To help with this, you can add something to this version of you that marks the difference. Maybe they wear a specific hair clip or a specific ring. To physically connect them to who you are now can help with embodying them.

Imagine how cool it is that you can put on a ring and BAM! now you are the most mature discussion-haver (that isn’t a word).

Ask yourself about the version of you that can do this specific thing. How would they act in this situation?

Who we are:

We have to remember that we are always changing, and we are always evolving. Let’s keep the phrase “people don’t change” for when you want to go back to that ex of yours.

People do change if they want to, and if they put in the effort.

You have the ability to change, and you can lean into growth. The patterns will come back again sometimes and that is why you have read this blog. To know how to deal with them.

To know how to feel instead of just knowing what to do and to become that version of you by embodying them when you need it.

Open your periphery, be a little less embarrassed about making mistakes, and you will see how change flows.

Prompts

1. Reflect on three patterns (whether that be thought patterns or habits) that you are working on changing. Why are they hard to change?
2. When was the last time that you fell back into these patterns? What did you know? What were you telling yourself?
3. What would the grown version of you do instead?
4. Internally, how do the obstacles between knowing and feeling look like for you? (i.e. mountain, lava?) How can you remove this obstacle? (i.e. throwing water on lava).
5. Where in your body would you normally find a feeling of safety and calm?

Pro- tip: If none of this works, I like to imagine an actual small mountain that I have to step over to do the things. Then I imagine myself kicking it aside, followed by doing the hard thing that I want to do.