what do your problems with trust have to do with your childhood?
We are going to talk about childhood wounds today. If you want to read our other blog posts on childhood wounds I will link them here:
Staying present to get to know your inner child
Re-parenting: How to heal your inner child
A guide to the inner child abandonment wound
Dealing with the resurgence of trauma when going back “home”
So how does trust relate to our childhood wounds?
For some of you, it may be obvious for others not so let’s explain it from the beginning.
Childhood wounds form when as a child (typically aged < 8) experiences traumatic experiences. This can be a one-time event that was really an impactful or extended trauma which was lived continuously.
If you want to read more about this topic and how the body stores this trauma I really recommend “The body keeps the score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk.
Trauma can also be formed by lighter circumstances that may have had a very strong impact on a child due to a lack of support from a parent.
Let’s say that you got lost in the supermarket once when you were a kid. To your mom that was two aisles away and knew where you were it probably wasn’t a big deal. But to you who saw everyone around you as three times your size, it was. If you went crying to your mom and she didn’t give you the comfort and support you needed at that moment, depending on how you lived it, it can be a cause of trauma. Especially if this attitude towards you when you cried was repeated constantly throughout your childhood.
The abandonment wound:
We all have things to work through but there is a childhood wound which I feel is very common, and that is the abandonment wound.
What does that have to do with trust?
When you have experienced being abandoned as a child you can have a hard time trusting that others will stick around. It is like an ick you get every time you are getting comfortable with someone. Maybe you don’t get the ick but you react a lot when this wound gets triggered especially with people you love.
You don’t trust that they won’t abandon you as others did in the past, maybe this process even happens subconsciously.
The self-worth problem:
Another way your problems with trust could be shaped in your childhood is by your parent’s expectations of you. In this part, I am talking specifically about trusting yourself has been affected. If your parents treated you like a child all the time and didn’t allow you to learn on your own sometimes. Meaning that they “babied” you a lot, maybe even were helicopter parents, it can be hard for you to trust your abilities to do things on your own.
You may feel incapable or never fully knowledgable of a subject you want to talk about.
On the other hand, if your parents placed a lot of pressure on you to always be perfect, do the best in school and were never satisfied with your results, then you will have trouble doubting if your work is good enough. You won’t trust your own judgment for something that you have created.
Healing the trust wound
Parents try to do the best they can with what they have. And it is important to remember that they are probably traumatized too and they can project unto us a lot. This doesn’t justify behaviour that is harmful to us but it is just a reminder to view them as human as well.
Now it is in our hands to heal what we have been through and the experiences we have had in order to
- feel safer in our bodies
- trust ourselves
- and get the best we can out of life.
If you want to explore more about your childhood wounds in regards to trust use these prompts:
- What is your attachment style and how does it impact your relationship with those around you?
- What do the people close to you remind you of your relationship with your parents or directly to them? Are these things positive or negative? How do you feel about them?
- Do you trust those around you? How does that impact your relationship with trusting yourself?
- When was the first time you remember having a hard time trusting yourself?
- In which things do you not trust yourself now?
Use these prompts to start the conversation with yourself about what is your relationship with trust.
If you find that you have some childhood experiences that have made this more challenging for you dig a bit deeper when you are ready.
Not only will it help you understand yourself better but it will guide you to a healthier lifestyle in which you can trust yourself and your own decisions.
