The truth about being “too much”

What do we understand by being “too needy” or  “too much”

Being too needy or too much is something usually said to us by people that are close to us. It is normally a parent, a partner, or a really close friend. When this is said it comes with the intention of wanting that person to back away, or maybe to respect some boundaries. Sometimes it isn’t that boundaries were broken but more that there were none in the first place.

Too needy refers to the fact that you crave attention or affection from that person. That doesn’t mean that you are weird for it or wrong. But simply that the other person lacks the ability to fulfill that expectation of yours. It is more regular to hear the “too needy” than the “too much.” When someone says too much it is interfering with your personality and who you are. “Too much” can imply that you are unbearable to that person. I believe that it is truly sad to be told something similar.

How does it make people feel when they get told that

If this has happened to you, you already know how it feels. If not you need to put yourself in the shoes of someone who has been told this. It feels like you can’t be who you are around the person that called you “too much.” And regarding the “too needy” it can easily become a manipulation tactic. People can tell you you are too needy because they don’t want to fulfill the basic needs in a relationship. It could be the equivalent of someone telling you that you are high maintenance. These comments clearly make people feel like they are not enough and like their needs in a relationship are not valid. 

Advice from my therapist

As I have experienced this before I have talked through it with my therapist. She told me something that stuck with me. She said that if this person thinks you are too needy or too much, that means that they can’t handle someone with a lot of energy. I was told to not be ashamed of my happiness and of my high energy and to never allow that to get to me. She told me that if that person can’t handle what they call too much. There will be someone who will and would appreciate that energy.

Sometimes that person can’t handle the amount of love that you are giving them. So they justify you for being too much so that they don’t have to feel like they need to give you as much love as you give them. She told me to set my boundaries towards that person because if they can’t even give themselves love how do you expect them to receive it.

The too much paradox

This concept I have already mentioned in this article but I am going to rephrase it. When someone says that you are too much they say it because they can’t reciprocate the love that you are giving them. They can’t give you back what you give so they want you to give less. So that they don’t have to force themselves to give more. 

The conversation you should have

It is important to talk about this with that person. Also with the people that care about you because it can take a big toll on your mental health. Try opening the conversation by talking about the basic needs needed in the relationship.