How To Not Need Men To Feel Worthy

Why do humans seek to be worthy?

In reality, people don’t seek to be worthy enough for someone, we seek belonging. It is a primal instinct for us, humans, to do things to belong. Back in the primitive days if you didn’t belong somewhere if you didn’t have a group you would die. As you need others for surviving. Well, that instinct is still present in us today, but it appears as a need for social acceptance. That acceptance we also want from the people around us that we love. And we also need it from society in general. That is why we seek to fulfill societal norms because it makes us feel like we belong. It makes us feel safe.

Why do women seek to be worthy of men?

Women have been pushed aside a lot. We have taken huge steps towards equality in some parts of the world but there is a part of all of this that is internal. A huge part of this patriarchal system remains inside of us, learned by generations before us. For some of us, it is generational trauma but for the rest of us, we have lived in our childhood. Maybe we saw how our mothers responded to our fathers’ every request. Maybe our fathers always had to approve what we wore or we would be punished or criticized. Since we are young we are taught to dress according to what men will think.

 “You can’t wear that! It is not appealing.” “If men see too much exposed skin they will think wrongly of you.” “You shouldn’t wear spaghetti straps to school!”

It is always about what other men will think about what we are wearing. And it is not only clothing of course. It is the way we talk, how we wear our hair, our careers if we choose to be mothers, etc..etc.It almost seems that we can’t make choices without men being involved.

We all struggle sometimes. It is so ingrained in us that even when we are so sure about something we might ask our partners in fear of being wrong about what WE want for OURSELVES. 

Given it, some thought you might think about how we seek the love and approval from our fathers. When we don’t get it we might seek it from other people. Our partners tend to be the ones that get the most attention for it. 

For example, 

This is a personal experience that I have had in the last few days and probably the reason I wrote this blog post. My partner and I went to the mall and I was looking for a dress for New Year’s Eve which I’m spending with him. I found myself asking him what he thought of every dress that I liked. I wouldn’t even try them on if he said they were ugly. And the ones that he said were nice I found so boring and plain.

I felt so stressed that day so little and all of my confidence went away. I kept thinking why does he never ask me if I liked something that he was going to wear/buy. If he did ever ask me he would buy it either way because HE liked it. I was left thinking why didn’t I have the strength to wear what I want even when he didn’t like it. In the end, it is just clothing and it does not change who I am. This wouldn’t keep him from loving me. I just had this idea in my head that if he didn’t like the dress I couldn’t wear it because I would be unappealing to him. 

It is crazy how I needed so much for him to think the best of a dress that I hadn’t even tried on. This is how this need of being worthy of men appears in our lives. It comes in many ways and most of the time we do it unconsciously. It is something that I want to change.

How can you release this need of being accepted by men?

You will always hear that you need to think yourself worthy to not need the approval of others. But when I am alone in the mirror I feel like a goddess then why when I am with men that all goes away? I do agree that self-worth work needs to be done first but let us take this to another level. 

Every time you think of asking the opinion to someone of a choice that will only affect you do this:

First, ask your body. Ask your heart and your gut how comfortable a choice feels. Then ask your higher self (God, the universe, what you believe in) whether your dream self would take that choice. Ask and envision if that is the move the version of you that you want to be would do.

I believe there are the true answers. That is the only person you need approval from and that is the only person that can truly see your worth. You can not fail if you ask the person that you want to be in the future what to do.

Lastly, every time that you are trying to prove your worth to someone especially a man, ask yourself why are you trying to do so. What approval of his is actually going to make you worthy. None. Surrender that people-pleasing instinct that women have and start living your life according to your guidelines. Society has taught us women that to feel like we are enough we need to seek validation form the outside. That way they keep us in control. To be fully in control of our bodies we need to remember who we already are and let go of all of that that we are not.