how to cope with the feelings that come up in silence?

Who would’ve thought that there was a problem with silence huh?

What did it do? Not say a word in a fight? (I make really bad jokes I’m warning you)

Silence is something we almost never get as often as we need it. As soon as someone stops speaking someone is ready to fill up the uncomfortable silence right away.

There is a reason why we have to turn the TV on while working or scrolling through our phones. Even though our phone is already emitting sound from a 7-second video app which constantly bombards us with new info.

Don’t worry this post is not going to be about the dangers of social media or phones (although an article like that is a necessary read).

Why is silence a problem?

Silence is powerful, and we know that because powerful things become a problem for many people.

This thing that means the lack of noise can be so dreadful. Apart from being a lack of noise, I think it also symbolizes stillness. When there is no movement there tends to be no noise.

Isn’t that uncomfortable? A place with no noise, maybe no movement. It feels icky, it is loud.

I want to focus on that first part when we notice the discomfort we feel in silence.

Why do we feel uncomfortable in silence?

There are three reasons I believe we feel uncomfortable with silence:

1. Because we are not used to it.
2. Because it is awkward
3. Because it means sitting with our emotions and our thoughts

Number 1

Okay yes, we are not used to silence. Maybe it is out of our comfort zone and maybe we feel weird experiencing it.

That is a big part of why we escape it.

It can even be dreadful. It is the equivalent of when the palm of your hand itches and you can only bite it to scratch.

Number 2

Just imagine you are in a conversation with someone, and then there is a pause. At an end of the conversation, an “I have no idea what to say next moment.”

Not only will you feel awkward but you can tell that the other person feels awkward.

This also means that you are rushed to say something, ask a different question, and maybe end up saying something embarrassing. That is you escaping the discomfort brought by the awkwardness.

Numbers 1 and 2 feel pretty on top. It is something we have all experienced at some point in our lives and something that we will probably try to escape.

The difference is when try to escape the silence when we are by ourselves.

There is no awkwardness in that silence, so why do you need 5 TVs and your other devices?

I once met someone that had the TV on, music playing on their Alexa, and they were scrolling on TikTok.

This is not to judge but to use as an example of the overstimulation that we often seek to escape the silence in our alone time.

This leads us to reason number 3.

When you are in complete silence you have to deal with your thoughts and feelings.

And if you have read the two posts before this one you know that the basis of discomfort is interior not something caused by the outside.

Silence is THE big discomfort.

Try adding stillness to that and no distractions and it gets worse.

I say worse because I have a hard time with silence and stillness as well.

One quick comment: these articles are not trying to fix you, they are trying to make you aware of the things that are hard. I was reading the book Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés the other day and I came across this quote.

“Can a negative aspect of the psyche be reduced to cinder by being watched and watched? Yes, indeed it can.”

Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

So let’s give it a try and notice the things that we find.

The emotions that come up in that silence will not be emotions that are easy to deal with. They will be the emotions that you have been repressing and ignoring for a lot of time.

Sometimes we don’t even notice that we are repressing them but our mind would automatically stick them to the back to never being brought to the front because of constant stimulation.

So no, there is not a problem with silence, the problem is that we can’t sit with the discomfort that silence brings.

We can’t sit with the emotions and thoughts that silence brings.

I’m going to give you an activity:

Sit in silence for 5 to 10 minutes, or the amount that you deem appropriate. Don’t try to think or plan, keep your mind blank until something comes up. It is probable that the first time you try it you are not able to do it and get distracted. That is okay, keep trying once in a while.

When you sense something comes up, let it develop and after the time is over, answer these questions:

1. What came up in the silence that you hadn’t thought about in a while?
2. How did these feelings and thoughts make you feel?
3. What beliefs, stories, and habits had been formed from those feelings?
4. Describe your experience with sitting in the discomfort of silence and acknowledge the expansion of your discomfort edge
5. Reflect on why you were escaping silence previously and what were your fears
6. What changes do you think releasing these emotions hidden behind silence will bring into your life?

As you deal with the discomfort that comes up not only with the silence but with the questions being asked I invite you to seek the humanness in it all.

See your emotions as something of your nature and not as a disruption of your life.

The way to grow your discomfort edge is to learn how to lean into those emotions without being afraid of them.