Breaking down a breakup: Understanding how to heal

Why are breakups hard?

Breakups are hard in a way that can’t be explained. In a certain way, they might feel like freedom and new independence but on the other hand, it feels like you have lost a part of yourself. When we breakup and lose someone that we are used to having in our day-to-day life, not only do we feel destroyed but we leave our comfort zone. In a way, during the moment you might feel excitement or extreme nervousness.

Either way, those two emotions are the same but with a different connotation. It depends on what you tell to yourself. Since your emotions are heightened you are filled with adrenaline. This makes the process more intense and in a way it makes you feel like you are the protagonist. The problem is when these emotions go away. You get presented with a rock bottom moment and it truly hits you. This rollercoaster of emotions is what makes a breakup as hard as it is. 

Why do we often go back to our previous partner?

When there is a bond between two people it is hard to break it. This is when the topic of the comfort zone comes in. It will always be easier to go to your comfort zone. It will always be easier to go back than to move forward. Not to mention that you had already reached a level of safety feelings and loving inside jokes with your previous partner. Meeting new people can be hard, boring, and exhausting. Especially trying to find out what they really are. We might also feel like we have already learned all of our lessons and that this time it will be better. Maybe that this time you both change for the better and what broke the relationship won’t happen.

Reasons why keeping a breakup private might be important for you?

Sometimes when we break up we love to think that this time is final. That this time we are really done. Or maybe you are on the opposite side, and you would love to think that you will get back together. If you are in the first scenario you might go and delete all your pictures together, remove the emojis from their name and tell all your friends about it and what a bad person your partner was. In the second scenario, you might be telling everyone how they broke your heart and hurt you and you miss them a lot and you would take them back. 

If something happens after these scenarios and the couple decides to get back together problems arise. First of all, the social drama and commentary you will endure for making your decision. Especially from friends and family, it can be harsh. In the second scenario, you could look like a pity situation. At the end of the day every relationship is different and every breakup as well. What I’m trying to say is that you might want to avoid those things. 

For example, every time I break up I go ahead and delete everything and tell my closest friends about it. Then if I ever got back it would be a sort of walk of shame. Now that I am writing this I realize that we need to destigmatize the decisions we take and make them more personal rather than actually worrying about what other people might think. Even if people don’t think it is the best for you, your decisions are your own and you have your own healing process to go through. 

What do we lose and gain during a breakup?

Depending on how the breakup ended is what we get out of it. Even though we might have lost our person we always learn something. No matter how cheesy it sounds, it is true. We do learn a lot from relationships. In fact, I believe that in a certain way relationships teach you a lot about yourself. You can also see how you relate with others which in turn shows your past traumas. This is the way you find out what you need to heal. Then you can use it to your advantage and become the person that you dream of being.