dealing with the resurgence of trauma when going back “home”

Ah yes, the going back home. Those that have now moved away from home, maybe not even that far but just far enough that you don’t have to deal with a specific type of family life know what is like coming home every Christmas. It doesn’t even have to be Christmas necessarily as I am writing this at the end of July… It is just any time you go back home.

First, there is a whiff of relief. If our parents are there we might feel like children again like we are taken care of. I know that this feeling is more potent in our 20s as we get to take a break from a probably a bit unstable life and go to the arms of our parents. There we are given food and a sense of financial safety for probably a week. A bit of a break from our usual responsibilities if you may.

But as the days go by…the family gets a bit comfortable and old dynamics start to pop back up.

I’m going to be discussing a few of the things that come back up.

• Power struggles
• Independence vs codependence
• Childhood wounds

Power struggles

In “traditional” families the idea of who is in charge is pretty marked. This usually is the person that makes the most money from the parents. If not it probably is the father. This is the person that tends to have control. The patriarchy plays a big role in our family dynamics and how responsibilities are divided. When we are all grown up and we go back to our parents’ house it could be a struggle. Especially for them to adapt to the fact that we are adults. And are capable to do a lot of stuff by ourselves.

This might trigger the feeling of losing control. Because they are not being able to tell you what to do like they used to back when you were younger.

They can feel like they can’t catch up with your decisions. That is where the power struggle kicks in. Subconsciously they want to have power over you, to be able to control what you do. That is why a lot of conflicts start when we go back home because everything has to be done our parents’ way and everything else is wrong.

Us humans need control over things, mostly to feel safe and that everything will go right. But we can’t control other people.

What you can do best to avoid this type of conflict is not play into the already written script. Into the struggle for control over others. Not going along with the fights is the best. Especially when you know it is just talking and there is no true loss of power.

Independence vs codependence

We now have codependence; our parents need to be needed and how it affects our independence. Whenever I go to my adult home after being in my childhood home for a while I need to re-adapt to my independence in the sense that I need to remember how to adult. Maybe this goes away after a few years but for now, it is a struggle of mine. In this case, the parents also need to re-adapt to not being required by their grown children anymore. Which can cause the child to feel guilty when leaving.

I believe that guilt is a big feeling that plays a part when we are moving away from home, especially when our family dynamic is a codependent one. It almost feels like we are abandoning our parents and our emotional duties as children (which children shouldn’t have).

To revisit this codependency when coming back home can feel safe for a moment since you have someone that loves to be needed. This goes sideways if this person plays into a dynamic of wanting something in return and keeping it to themselves until it becomes a problem.

The best way to deal with issues of codependence when going back home is to pay attention to the needs of others and what is expected in return from you. This doesn’t mean that you will solve the codependency of your parents, but handling it is better than trying to solve it or even worse playing into it.

Childhood wounds

I think this is the hardest part of going back home. There are going to be constant triggers that make you feel a lot of conflicting emotions. It is important to recognize that these are patterns that are showing up from childhood and trauma responses from wounds of the past.

When we notice that what is going wrong is that our body is reacting to a trigger, it becomes a lot easier to focus on what is happening, and the things that we know to be true (not what our trigger is telling us).

Something else that could help could be talking it through with your parents. Talk about how you feel about their behaviour, how it makes you react and how it makes you think. Be careful with parents that fall into the victim archetype which tends to be a part of codependency, they can make you feel worse at the end for expressing yourself.

Remember to be conscious about your words since it’s not only you that is re-experiencing all of these unhealthy dynamics but also the rest of the people in your home. Being the petter person does get tiring, but when conflict comes choosing not to engage is the best option as otherwise a lot more triggers could come out.