When we grow up we learn what love is through what our parents teach us. They are our biggest and most important example of love. How they treat each other will define what we think of as love. If they fight constantly we might think that love is equal to conflict.
If they are always together and don’t respect each other’s boundaries we are going to grow to believe that if you love someone you must want to spend all the time together and neglect your own hobbies. Another relationship that shapes us is the one we have with our caregivers. How they show their love to us is also going to have a big influence on what we believe in love and what we seek in relationships.
A few weeks ago in therapy, I learned that my definition for love was “need”. I realized that I thought Love was equal to need and if I loved a person that must mean I needed them. If I stopped needing someone emotionally I would think that I didn’t love them or liked them anymore. You are not supposed to need anyone. I need to work on redefining my definition of love. That way, I can share my love with those I want to without expecting or needing anything back. There has to be a change between needing the love from someone towards appreciating it.
When love comes from need a harmful type of connection is created. There is a dependency on each other because if you need someone then it is hard for you to live without them. It is important to detach yourself from this way of thinking as expectations can end up harming the relationship. In these cases, it is better to start loving yourself first. When you receive all the love you need from yourself then you can start building loving relationships with other people that are not based on needs.
For me a good type of love is that in which the relationship is company. It is having support but coming from true empathy and not from wanting something back. Love is respect for the other person. Enough admiration and shared hobbies that you want to spend a lot of your time with them. It means appreciating the company of the other person without having to be with them all the time to feel fulfilled.
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