Sometimes peaceful discussions of an issue lead to a fight when we let our anger get in the way. This also happens when we get triggered or offended by what the other person says. Sometimes even them explaining how they feel can make us angrier because we dislike making this person feel that way. Fighting leads to disrespect more often when both sides are mad. And start saying things out of context from the current situation and start bringing the past into play and resentment from past arguments.
There are other ways a fight could lead to disrespect. It is when one side is staying really calm and the other person gets desperate. Now they seem irrational when the other person was just trying to demonstrate their feelings. There are a lot of types of disrespect that happens in fights. The most common, when people lack the ability to communicate are the following.
Avoidance is regularly the first one to come into play in a discussion. For some reason, could be past trauma or could be guilt, people often shut off in an argument. It is valid, but at that time the argument goes into a pause and we are supposed to enter self-care because one of the people discussing broke down. It is way different when one side of the discussion is completely open, sharing their emotions, and willing to find a solution together. Then when the other side refuses to say how they feel about it but they keep complaining.
This person pretty much refuses to solve the problem because they don’t want to help move it forward. But at the same time, they want to stay in that conflict. It is possible that this happened because they got triggered by the feelings of the other person. They might feel like that person is not allowed to feel that way. If you are this kind of person remember that all feelings are valid and that talking about them is the best way to resolve an issue.
There are a lot of types of manipulation. I consider that there are good types of manipulation in which it is for the good of people. But then there is the negative type of manipulation in which you control people to your benefit. During a fight, people can get out of their manipulative side without even realizing it. One thing that people tend to do is cry. Most of the time it is because their feelings are actually hurt and other times it can be an act to get you to cave in and lose your stance. Another type of manipulation is pulling someone’s soft spot during a fight by targeting their vulnerability. Manipulation is about getting their own way.
Gaslighting on the other hand is about controlling the other person. Sometimes to the point of making the other person question their sanity. This is the most dangerous way of emotional manipulation. This normally starts with a fight and the gaslighting forcing the person to question their thoughts, memories, and events. For example, “that never happened”, “I never said that”, “you are crazy”, “are you sure that went that way, I think you are remembering wrong.”
When this happens to someone they will become more anxious questioning if they are the problem, apologizing really often, and excusing their partner’s behavior. Although manipulators can also guilt trip you and make you apologize for your feelings, gaslighters will make you do this in front of other people. Even to the point that you will internalize it and truly believe that you are the one doing the harm.
Those are some major red flags from fights that are important to avoid having a flowing discussion. Talking out of the personal experience, this is how I wish my arguments we go. If you are feeling mad, or sad about something you go to that person and you tell them. I am feeling this way because this happened. You need to try not to blame the other person for your feelings because if not they will close off because of guilt.
It is also the job of the other person to acknowledge that your feelings are yours and it is also their job to follow the conversation. They might explain to you why they did what they did to make you feel that way. And explain their motives and their feelings when they took that action. This open communication will hopefully lead to the true intentions of your partner which will make it way easier to solve the issue together.
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